


Ambiguity and Certitude

by anaesthesia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon - Manga, Day Seven: Future, Day one: Past, Declarations Of Love, Eruri Week 2014, First Love, Fluff, Kisses, Love, M/M, Making Love, Marriage, Sappy Old Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 09:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3129863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anaesthesia/pseuds/anaesthesia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ambiguity and Certitude

  Everything was unusual  in his life. He didn't despised it though. He was used to it. He lived in abnormalities, in the presence of uncertainness. Thus, something so stable, something so plain, something which didn't have to strain to achieve it, something so real, something that was given to him so simply- it was strange to him.

  Levi wasn't used to love. It was still a strange term to him. It was right there before him, he could reach his hand and touch it... But how he should touch its softness? How should he touch something which didn't have thorns to pierce him, something which didn't hurt him. His hands were meant to kill and harm.

  How should he touch him without breaking him?

 

  The first kiss wasn't a surprise. He awaited it, actually. The way Erwin approached him closer at the windowsill, breaking into his personal space, hesitant, unsure of what to do or say. Levi was sitting on the wooden surface, head titled, gazing into his blue orbs, mirroring him. He himself didn't know how to act. For the first time Levi didn't move. He waited. Lips already parted, waiting, inviting him.

  And then slowly Erwin kneeled, cupping his cheek and looking into his eyes- into him. He asked for permission. Gentle, all the time this bastard. And Levi closed his eyes, head nodding faintly in response, unintentionally seeking Erwin's warmth as he leaned closer, taking a deep breath and prepared himself for the worse or better.

  The kiss wasn't unexpected. It didn't feel like a thunderstorm. It didn't took his breath away. It didn't make his knees weak. But it was like a soothing fire, growing warmer and warmer by every movement of Erwin's lips, by every soft blow of his hot breath inside his mouth. And Levi felt so stupid for being so weak to react, so vulnerable, so willing to take more of his fire. He wanted to get burnt and turned to ashes.

 

  Maybe love isn't so passionate, he said to himself. Maybe love isn't about hot sex and deep kisses. Maybe love is something more and less. Maybe love is... That Levi must find out later. He didn't know yet. But he wasn't desperate to find the answer right away. Because, maybe, love takes time.

  Levi didn't know how much time had left. But he wanted to spend it beside Erwin, until the clock's hands showed twelve.

 

  Sex didn't come soon after. They were both busy. And he was getting more and more anxious. He didn't have much experience. He would make himself look stupid and foolish and like a little boy. What would Erwin think? How would Erwin look?

  His throat was becoming dry and his mind a whirling mess. He tried to erase those thoughts and focus on his routine; cleaning, training, sleep, cleaning, training, sleep.- yet, Erwin was always there; watching him while he was dusting off the shelves, smiling at him when no one was watching at lunch, and in his dream, kissing him again and again, slow-whispering at him childish promises and foolish dreams. Erwin was everywhere and he was suffocating him. But Levi wanted nothing more to get drown into him.

  Sex came after a painful month, after an expedition, after a burst of feelings, after tears and screams and after their first fight. It was Erwin fault - or his. His whole squad was annihilated and almost sixty percent of their men died. He didn't know whose fault was it. He didn't know whom to blame. But he was angry- angry with himself and Erwin. Because Erwin was the smartest person he knew. He could have thought a better plan. He could have given better orders. He could have saved these people. And himself- he was strong. He could have executed this plan. He could have killed every titan who stepped into their way. He could have killed them all. Both- together. He could have saved them.

  He was furious. He screamed at Erwin. He hit him. He slapped him in the face. He rammed him with his fist at his chest. Yet, Erwin didn't react. He didn't move. He held him close and received each blow. He didn't make a sound. He held him in his arms. He held him even closer, squeezing him into his safety. He took everything until Levi's storm passed.

  And when the tears free fell through his cheeks, he placed a kiss on top of his head with his bloody lips. He ran his hands in appeasing circles through his back. He held him when he was breaking down. He kept his pieces altogether.

  Levi clutched his dirty jacket, his legs betraying him. But Erwin's arms were there to keep him stilled. He hid his face into his chest and let the steady drumming of his heart  to calm him. He closed his eyes and listened to the living person before him. He listened to the heart that he would do anything to keep beating loud.

  When he raised his head and looked, he didn't see disappointment or anger in his eyes. He saw understatement and sadness and grief. When he looked into his eyes, he eyed himself. He was scared. They both survived. They both cheated on death for once again. But for how much longer? The realization of uncertainty hit him like a big rock. And, for the first time, Levi sought stability.

  He grasped Erwin's jacket and crushed his lips against his. He wanted to stay with him forever. He wanted to live with him. He wanted them to survive, to free humanity, to live. He kissed him desperate, scared  of the future, of the their enemies, of their expectations, of their dreams, of themselves. He didn't want them to end their lives. He wished the future didn't exist. It was suddenly so dark, so intimidating. He trapped Erwin into a kiss that he wished he would last an eternity.

  His hands moved to undone Erwin straps, quickly, sloppy. He wanted nothing but to feel him, to reassure himself that he was alive, breathing, right in front of him. And, suddenly, Erwin's hands were bound around his wrists, stopping him. He was mad. Why did he stop him? Didn't he want him?

  He said to stop, that it wasn't the right time, they could wait.

  But that was exactly the problem. Levi couldn't wait. He didn't know how much he had to wait. Waiting meant spending time and time was precious. Time was against them.

  He gave at him one last kiss, soft, feathery, like petals dancing in the cool breeze- and he proceeded on undressing him. Levi stayed stilled, numb. His body was rigid but he tried to focus on Erwin's hands and the delicate way he was undressing him, the way his fingers were brushing against his skin. He shivered.

  When he undressed himself too, he took his hand and leaded him into the shower. He meticulously cleaned him, just how Levi wanted. He massaged his head and Levi was left undone, leaning onto his torso and closed his eyes. His salty tears became one with the streaming water. Nobody noticed.

   He didn't let Erwin clean his own body alone. He insisted on washing himself. He poured shampoo on his palm and rose on his tip toes to wash his hair. Erwin chuckled and bent slightly, stealing again a kiss. Levi  cursed him and his huge-ass height, but smiled, nevertheless, his cheeks becoming red. Yet, he blamed the hot water for that.

  When the water became cold and there wasn't any sign of foam on them, an excuse for them to touch each other, they headed to bed. Naked and with slightly dump hair. Levi liked the way Erwin's wet locks clang on his face, like a frame around a precious painting. He brushed his fingers through his hair, messing it around because it was soft and because he loved Erwin's disapproving expression; how his lips pouted and his big eyebrows collided. He looked younger.

  He only hummed when Erwin trapped him into another embrace. He buried his face into his chest again, linking his arms around his waist and entangling his cold feet with his warm ones. Erwin tightened his hold around his shoulders, resting his face against his hair and whined when he felt Levi's feet.

  He didn't how many seconds, minutes, hours had passed but Erwin's breathing became softer, steadier. He was sleeping but he found himself unable to. He listened to Erwin's heart again. He closed his eyes and counted the beats. 'I love you', he silently spelled out against his chest, his lips drafting over the hairy skin, feeling each heart beat. It wasn't long after when Erwin's heart lulled him to sleep.

   In the next morning it was Erwin's lips that woke him up. He left chaste, lazily kisses all over his face, each time calling his name. The knuckles of his fingers were brushing across the skin of his back. Levi opened his eyes only to stare into his own blue sky. He smiled and  claimed Erwin's lips, not caring for their morning breaths. His legs started moving beneath the sheets, rubbing against Erwin's bigger ones. His hands sought more of his skin, mapping out each inch of his body. The kiss never ended.

  And it was perfect. It wasn't pure sex, a random fuck- it was love.  It was sweet and slow and how he had never imagined. He let Erwin lead him throughout this dance. He held him tightly, his lips always kissing a part of him. His legs linked behind  Erwin's waist bringing him closer and closer as Erwin thrust into him, wanting them to stay like this forever, to feel  Erwin inside him, deeper and deeper, to remain one.

  He moaned and sighed. He didn't cover any emotion or mute any sound. He cried out his name over and over again, like a prayer. He drank in Erwin's sounds. He felt his cheeks burning at the sound of his name falling from his lips. He felt his strong body moving on top of him only for him. He breathed in his moans as they kissed, his intoxicating scent. 

He held him closer and came, following Erwin into their momentary eternity. He held him close and became entirely his.

  The afternoon found them still in bed, still entangled, still kissing, still smiling.

  Levi wondered if this was truly happiness. He wondered if happiness is a synonym to love. He wondered if every morning from now on would find him in Erwin's bed, in Erwin's arms. He thought that maybe love wasn't as bad as he had thought. He thought that maybe love was safety. He thought that love was a home. And he had found his; inside the arms of a certain blond.

  But, of course, love isn't all about steamy nights and lazy mornings, drinking tea on your lover's lap. Their love wasn't like anybody else's. It was questionable. A big question mark following both, day and night. Does it worth it? Will he be by my side the next day?

  He didn't want to listen to Erwin and  his orders but he obeyed either way. He was still his Commander and he was still his Captain. So, he stayed behind after injuring his ankle, cleaning all the time because if he didn't occupy himself-his mind- with something else, Erwin and eerie thoughts were crippling in his mind over and over again; a never ending nightmare. So, he scrubbed away the stains. So, he scrubbed away his thoughts. He kept Pastor Nick, alive and safe.

  When the bells rang Levi was interrogating Pastor Nick. Beneath the ground, deep down in a musty room, he breathed after a long time of suffocation. He rushed to the surface. He ran to the main street. He pushed over people with blank faces and sharp tongues and searched into the trail of familiar faces to find his Commander.  

  Although, Erwin didn't come back and Levi continued searching into the horde of mourning people. He believed in him. He never stopped.

  Erwin passed the Walls already faint. Others were supporting him and shouting to people to step away, to send the paramedics. Levi rushed to see him- maybe for the last time. His blood went cold, his eyes blown wide. This was not Erwin. He immediately removed the black jacket from his shoulders and placed it on top of Erwin, covering him. His face was pale, blank. Dark circles under his closed eyes. His mouth opened in an attempt to inhale. His body was frozen. A marble painted with the colours of winter. Serene. Peaceful. dying like flowers during their last time in November.  

  Levi cried out commands and soon they were moving . Levi pushed over people, sent others to call doctors. 'Don't die on me,' he was constantly thinking. 'Don't on me,' not when he was there with him, when he had come alive, not when Levi could help him, not when he had so much more to offer. Don't die for them, for humanity, for anything in this world.

'Don't die on me when I love you so much.'

  Love is selfish. So, was Levi.

 

  After a storm an eerie silence follows as if the nature mourns.  And then, the clouds fade and a rainbow appears. Life is regenerating.

  Levi, after Erwin's arrival, after Erwin's surgery, was waiting. Waiting, seated in a chair beside Erwin's bed. Waiting for a sign of melioration of his health- anything to hang on.

  He grasped Erwin's left arm and prayed. He didn't know to whom or what. He prayed in whatever higher than him existed. Even though he didn't believe in such things, he prayed. He prayed for Erwin to get better, to open his eyes, to breathe easily. He prayed for turning back the time but Levi knew that impossible even for a God.

  A cough. A grumble. These what all Levi needed to jerk his head straight and look at Erwin in hope, palliation, relief. He squeezed Erwin's hand to reassure him he was not alone, that he was there with him. He called out his name and Erwin opened his eyes. The gray sky was staring him back, filled with clouds. But when Erwin coughed again and tried to smile, Levi saw the sun emerging behind these clouds. 

 

  Erwin got better. But life wasn't moving with his own slow paces. It was running. And one of the both could chase it. So, Levi ran. He left Erwin behind with a kiss and a promise to reunite- both alive.

  He didn't have time to think over Erwin. He had to keep safe his new squad, to keep making tests on Eren, to save the goddamn world. Everything was falling apart. He didn't have time for thinking over his personal life. But sometimes when everyone had fallen long ago asleep and he had to close his eyes himself just for three hours, Erwin was the last though in his mind. When he was ready to close his eyes and  said goodnight, his lips moving into the promise he had once made to Erwin: 'See you again. Don't die.'

 

  He hadn't seen him for awhile. Yet, he knew he was alive. Erwin was sending him letters every week. At least, he knew he was alright, that's what Erwin wrote in those letters. Levi was asking him for his arm, if he was doing okay, if he needed any help, if it hurt. Erwin was always responding with an 'I am alright'. But, for now, that was all Levi needed to know.

 

  Agonizing moments passed by. Darkness enveloped him and the smell of blood drowned him. But he kept fighting. He kept trying to come up the surface. His clothes went heavy and him exhausted. But he didn't gave up. He had a battle to win.

  And so he did. Without any remorse he sliced the neck of the man that haunted his past and present, the man he thought as a teacher and father. He killed his dark past in an attempt of redemption. He killed the killer of humanity's hope. And a long with that he killed a part of him that he wished it was dead a long time ago.

  He granted freedom not only to humanity but to himself, too.

  The future was ahead of him.

 

  And everything was all over and when he scrutinized the corpses to detect any familiar faces, right beside a blood stained pile of pale flesh, he saw Erwin- statuesque as ever. Watching him with big eyes promising the sky outside of the Walls.

  They both had kept their promise to come back alive.

  Levi walked before him and saluted, not daring to smile, just simply staring into his eyes. They had lost many, so much. But they were still standing. Maybe it wasn't ideal. Maybe it wasn't great but it was the closest to perfection. This moment. Wondering about the future and hoping, dreaming, fearing not the hazards. They were birds, once grounded with ripped off wings and feathers, now flying and touching the sky. Each flutter of their wings was bringing them closer to their dream- and they could see it; above this walls, after the mountains and dry lands; there was the ethereal sea.

  Erwin saluted in turn, not with his right arm but with his left. Time was running but they were running faster.

  Erwin smiled, the edges of his eyes creased into wrinkles-- they were getting old. So, Levi smiled back because he did dare to live, because he did not want to lose another moment from self-pity and guilt. Levi smiled for all the soldiers who had been lost. Levi smiled because their deaths were rewarded, because they would smile, too.  Levi smiled appreciating his life. Because Levi was alive- and so was Erwin.

 

  But, of course, the war didn't end. They continued fighting. They continued killing.

  Before each battle, each devious plan, each jump into the gap of uncertainness they always promised to each other to come back alive.

  So, that little promise they turned it into a vow- their vow.

  There wasn't a ceremony. Nobody knew but them. They exchanged vows at the edge of the Wall, when the sun rose, when life started waking up they had started writing a new chapter of their life.

  "I, Erwin Smith, take you, Levi Ackerman, as my husband. I will love and cherish you as long as I breathe. I promise you to stand beside you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health- even when we'll  get out of tea,"

  This asshole. Levi snorted and squeezed his hand, half smiling.

  "Until death do us apart."

  Levi opened his mouth, the words stuck in his mouth. He wasn't a man of words. But Erwin was looking at him and smiling, waiting for his turn and Levi couldn't deny him.

  "I, Levi Ackerman, take you, Erwin Smith, as my husband. I will love you even if you get dirt inside the house with your boots. I will try to keep you alive because you are a dumbass and you need me. I will make sure nothing bad happens to you. I will be your right hand- in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you even after death. I will love you eternally."

  Levi left a breath he was holding in. He, then, realized that Erwin was crying. But the wrinkles at the edge of his eyes were still there. His smile didn't flutter. He cupped his face, the gold ring cold against his cheek. Levi brushed his hand with his own, entangling their fingers .

  "Death can't do us apart," Erwin whispered and Levi closed his eyes, breathing those words in, believing them. Their love was eternal.

  Levi arched his back and Erwin leaned  in to kiss him, linking their lips like their fingers, like their lives. He kissed back softly the I-love-yous and drank in the promises. Their love was like an old, fine wine and Levi was drank- drank of love, drank of Erwin. He desired to drink the whole bottle, until the last drop.

  Their hands squeezed and their bodies pressed together as one. The golden of their rings placed side by side, shimmering under the orange sky at this winter's sunrise.

_'Breathing to Love You'_ was carved inside their rings- a promise made to each other, seen by only them, placed just above their hearts, behind white shirts and straps, behind humanity and duty, there it was- against their skin- the reason of their beating hearts.

   Love is a promise. A promise Levi keeps at each heartbeat.

 

  The war ended and Levi found himself in a wheelchair staring at the endless blue. He had always wondered how the sea would look like. But all that time he had his own. He smiled biding the past goodbye and embracing the future- the great future of humanity, of him with Erwin alone somewhere in the wild. He squeezed Erwin's hand on his shoulder and hold him tight, confirming his presence once again. They both were alive.

  Erwin circled his wheelchair and crouched down, grinning at him like a small child. Yet, the wrinkles around his eyes dug deeper into his skin and some white hair was already framing his face. He, himself, was sitting on a wheelchair with one leg and creases already forming through his forehead and aside his mouth. But he hadn't felt any younger than before.

  He hugged Erwin, linking his fingers behind his neck as he kissed his cheek and let Erwin picked him up in his arm. He walked them toward the water and slowly he let themselves sink in. The water was warm and salty- the prize of their fight. Erwin swirled them around, throwing his head behind and laughed boomingly, laughed with all his heart and being. Levi closed his eyes and let little drops of water assault his skin. He jerked his face back and joined Erwin into their own raucous melody of happiness.

  He had never regretted meeting Erwin. He had never regretted following him and believing in him. He had never regretted loving him.

  Each night and day  found them in an entangled mess of limps. Every night he was falling asleep with Erwin whispering 'I love you' near his ear and every day he was kissing Erwin's nose and was whispering the same three words. Every day he was falling deeper in love with Erwin and every night he was thinking that this was the highest he could ever love him- but he was wrong.

  Erwin was still smiling at him like a child and his body still got numb.  Erwin was still making him  tea and dinner and Levi felt blessed. Erwin was moving leisurely above him, kissing him gently and sucking his skin, creating bruises, and he was making him his- all over again. Erwin was still making him to shiver just by his piercing gaze, undressing him with his eyes, melting him with his rosy lips.

  Love was him and he was smothering him. So, he let his body free and sank into his blues, the bottom never in sight.

    Love was him and it was endless-- eternal.

**Author's Note:**

> For Eruri Week 2014. Day one: Past and Day Seven: Future.
> 
> Comments and kudos are deeply appreciated!! ٩(^ᴗ^)۶


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